Blessings & Healing

The song “Blessings” by Laura Story has touched my heart since the first time I heard it played on the radio.  This morning, however, it opened a deeper awakening within me.

As you likely know by now, our biggest surprise, my pregnancy, has ended.  The entire experience was an eleven-week roller coaster ride that started with painful lows, moved into uncertain loops, soared to incredible highs, and came crashing down into devastation.  It has been like nothing I’ve ever experienced before -- both wonderful and horrible wrapped up into one.  It was a blessing that has touched me like no other blessing ever has. 

Since the beginning of my miscarriage I’ve tried multiple times to put my experience into words, writing for what seemed like hours, only to delete all of my thoughts and start over.  I simply couldn’t express the peace surrounding me with enough emphasis.  Something was missing…that is…until this morning.  As I lay in bed reflecting, the song “Blessings” came on the radio.  I’ve heard the song at least one hundred times, but today, when she came to the end of the song:

“What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?”

I had a revelation…THAT’S IT…PERFECTLY!  This is exactly what I’ve been feeling but couldn’t express!  Losing Gus (the nickname our baby was tagged with from the first day of our announcement) was a huge disappointment. It was the biggest heartache of my life because not only was I filled with grief, but I watched helplessly as my husband and daughters openly grieved too.  A day that should have been filled with excitement became instead a day of mourning. 

But grief is a funny thing, and in this case, it re-awakened my senses to my greater thirst…Heaven.  You see, although I have relied on my faith and my relationship with Jesus for nearly my entire life, in all of the recent busy-ness of our family life, Heaven had been pushed back into the recesses of my mind, locked away for reflection at a later, less-busy time.  It took our family’s great loss, and the ensuing “waiting” period, a time of intentional, un-plugged quiet, to focus on this one crucial aspect of my longing, reviving my thirst. 

What if the trials of this life are His mercies in disguise?  Our loss was certainly Gus’s gain.  None of us can know the challenges that might have awaited him in this world, and as Brian pointed out very soon after confirmation of our loss, God sees the bigger picture that we can’t possibly know.  It is His infinite wisdom and mercy that sometimes saves us before a greater heartache is revealed.

So here we are, approaching the other side of this journey, and though I can’t yet look back on the fullness of it, I can honestly say I already count myself richer and more joyful because of it.  I’ve learned so many things about myself and my family along the way.  I have absolutely no idea what God has in store for us now, but I know we are bonded in a way that we’ve never been before.  Our future cannot be controlled by us.  It is God’s.  Whatever He has in store, I am willing.

Life is not without heartache, and thankfully, it is certainly not without blessings…each, in its own way, a surprise much like the kind I’ve always resisted in the past.  Through this one particular surprise, and its ensuing heartache, I have come to realize that my journey will be filled with countless surprises, several heartaches, but all blessings in disguise. And I’m okay with that.

Accentuate the Positive

Remember that old song?  Once that chorus gets into my brain, it nags me for hours on end…

“Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative, don’t mess with Mister In-Between.”

Cowboy and I determined years ago to use that as our mantra. After going through a few tough knocks, being treated unfairly, and ultimately paying the price (literally) for someone else’s misdeeds, we found ourselves in a tough financial spot, and we were down and depressed. We carried that burden for several years, and we were not happy people. It wasn’t until we made a concerted effort to embrace a spirit of POSITIVE that we overcame that feeling of defeat. 

We chose to eliminate our negative “this is so unfair” attitude and embrace a more positive “life isn’t always fair” perspective. It was a rocky road, but experience is a great teacher. 

When we are bound by an attitude that everything must be “fair,” we find ourselves concentrating on everything that is NOT fair. In this state of mind, it is really simple to focus entirely on negatives.  But once we come to realize that NOTHING in life is fair, it’s easier to ignore the negative.  Releasing the negative gives us room to focus on the positive.

We are closely acquainted with a family who has a teenage son whose life has always been challenging. There is nothing physical about his appearance that tells you otherwise, but his brain processes thoughts and ideas at a slower pace than most people. When given a task to do, it takes a few extra beats between his ears hearing the directions, his brain registering what was said, and his movements processing the task. His parents and loved ones have learned to adapt to this by creating routines and patterns for daily living. It’s a joint effort that has worked for their family very well. More importantly than how they have adapted, however, is the attitude they have instilled in him. Rather than focusing on the “unfairness” of it all, they have chosen to focus on the positives that surround him…his strengths, not his weaknesses. Their positive outlook eliminates any focus on negatives.

Have you spent time with a person who constantly focuses on negatives? It’s incredibly draining. They are never satisfied; they are never happy; they can’t find joy in anything. Activities or events that they look forward to participating in are a let-down because they are so busy focusing on each and every negative aspect that they can’t enjoy the activity itself.  Cowboy and I have been around people like this, but nothing is more heart-wrenching than watching a child live this type of negative life.

Children need a serious dose of positive outlook while they’re young. Trust me, it is much easier to grow up to become a productive and positive adult if you’re taught early-on how to be a productive and positive kid.  Keep an ear open to what your children are saying.  If they’re being too negative, help them find the positive.  How do you do this?  Pay attention…this is the best part of the song:

“Ya got to spread joy up to the maximum, bring gloom down to the minimum, have faith or pandemonium’s liable to walk upon the scene!”

You are Loved

I took an incredibly heavy heart to bed last night, and I begin this day and this post with it just as heavy.  In my quest to pour out my heartache to the Lord through my writing, I’ve concluded that this post must be specifically directed to pre-teen and teenaged kids.  

Today there is no room for silly quips and funny names, because this is serious stuff and I hope all of you take note.  This is for you.    

In this adventure of daily living with all of you, our “adopted” kids, Brian and I receive a lot of joy.  Each and every one of you knows you can come to us and receive a hearing ear.  You can tell us anything, ask us anything, and we will share in your joys and heartaches.  But the joy is the easy stuff, right?  What about the hard stuff?  What do you do with all that junk? 

That junk (the bad stuff) is what we call a “Jordan.”  It’s like a huge river that is too deep, too wide, and seemingly impossible to cross, but with a little help from your true friends and God, you can cross that Jordan to experience the incredible blessings that are waiting for you on the other side.

In your lives you are going to experience some pretty gnarly “Jordan’s”.  Maybe you already have.  There are choices to be made every single day, and those choices can have life-long impact.  Each decision you make has a consequence.  Each consequence affects your life.  Maybe for just a day; maybe forever. 

So how do you know you’re making right choices?  Sometimes the choice might be hard at the time, but deep down inside you know the answer.  If you go with your gut, it’s usually right.  Sometimes maybe your gut doesn’t really know, and you end up making a wrong choice out of ignorance or inexperience.  That’s okay.  You will get another chance to make that one right.  But the BIG ones are the ones you KNOW in your heart are wrong and you do it anyway.  These conscious wrong choices only lead to further heartache.

Take, for example, drugs.  All of you know in your hearts you should not experiment with these things, right?  I mean, seriously…haven’t you heard all of your life that drugs are bad and you should leave them alone?  Of course you have.  But when your best friend encourages you with “come on, just this once, no one will know…aren’t you curious what it will feel like?” 

This is a big Jordan, guys.  This is where your decision will make or break your reputation, and possibly your entire life. So, what’s it gonna be…your friend, or your convictions?  Think for a moment…what are the possible short-term consequences? 

1.  if I side with my friend, no one ever has to know…it will be just once…what can it hurt?

2.  if I side with my convictions, I’ll make my friend mad and he/she will probably laugh at me, make fun of me, and call me lame. 

Neither of these possibilities sound so great, right?  But let’s look at long-term consequences:  

1.  You get caught.  Someone is watching that you didn’t know was watching and they snitch…or your friend gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign on the way home and the cop notices something just isn’t right.  What happens?  You’ve just walked right up to an even BIGGER Jordan.  You’re in deep trouble.  You spend a long and intense night at the local jail waiting for your parents, who will likely never trust you again, your school gets the news, teachers start watching your every move, you get labeled a trouble maker, get kicked out of sports, and your peers all laugh at your lameness for getting caught.  But wait…wouldn’t they have laughed at my lameness for not doing it in the first place?  Yeah.  True friends?  Not in my book. 

Now let’s move on to the next possibility. 

2:  You don’t get caught…which is worse.  Why?  Because you will think “why not try it again?  It was a bit of a thrill and I’m in control.”  You can easily stop doing this when you want to, so it’s no big deal, right?  Wrong.  Some people can’t stop.  Some have a chemical predisposition in their bodies that cause them to become addicted to stuff immediately.  Does your body have that?  How do you know?  You don’t know.  You don’t know until you try it, and if you try it, it may just be too late.  Then how will you stop?  You won’t.  You can’t.  Not without professional help, and even then the chances are very slim.  And this little trip brings you to likely the biggest Jordan you could have ever imagined in your life.  Your grades begin to slip, you lose interest in all sports and activities, parents begin to wonder why they can’t trust you, teachers start watching your every move, you get labeled a trouble maker, and your peers all laugh at your lameness for being a druggie.

Hmmm…anything sound familiar there?  Yep, this is the deal guys…get it through your heads…In this situation YOU WILL BE LABELED LAME NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO.  But in the beginning, at the very first choice, saying NO could’ve made you lame for like 1 week.  Maybe 2.  The other choice makes you lame for a lifetime…years and years and years.   

Get this:  YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK AND CHANGE A RIGHT ANSWER.

It’s kind of like a long algebra problem with lots of steps.  If you start with a wrong answer, the next step is harder, and then because that one is wrong, the next step is even worse, and the whole thing is one huge mess by the time you get to the end.  That’s when horror strikes, because you have to start ALL OVER and do the whole thing AGAIN!

But if that algebra problem starts with the correct answer, it’s smooth sailing…and you never have to start over or fix anything.

Let’s move away from the drug example for a minute and talk about premarital sex.  Awkward?  You bet.  Get over it…we’re talking about it here and now.

The boys often get picked on when it comes to these kind of examples, and I don’t think that’s fair, so I’m stepping outside of the box:  Let’s say you have a new girlfriend.  You’ve been dating for about 2 weeks (if that long) and she pipes up and says “Just so you know, I don’t plan to “wait” for marriage, are you okay with that?” 

So we come back to your decisions.  What’s it gonna be?  Your reputation or your conviction?  Short term consequences:

1. You can side with your girlfriend and be the big man on campus.

2. You can side with your convictions, make the girl mad, and your friends will hear all about it and call you lame.

Decisions, decisions.  What are you gonna chose?

Long term consequences: 

1.  You get caught.  Either by a protective-yet-clueless daddy who now wants to take your head off for “hurting his sweet innocent little girl” or by getting the girl pregnant.  Oh wow, this is good stuff here.  Aren’t you glad you chose to be big man on campus?  I mean, you’ve got a rip roaring stinking mad father breathing down your neck on one side, or you have a baby that is yours to take care of for 18+ years.  All for one night of thrills.  Isn’t this lovely?  And guess what?  Your friends (who thought it was really cool at first) either don’t want to hang out with you because Big Daddy is always breathing down your neck (why would they want to fight your battles?), or they want to hang out with you and you can’t…because you have to work…because you have a baby to take care of.  Guess what else?  You are now lame for either one of those reasons. 

Are you beginning to see the cycle yet, guys?

You are going to be labeled lame for any right decision you make, but I’m going to stress this again:  YOU NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK AND CHANGE A RIGHT ANSWER!

Now let’s say you’ve had some things happen throughout your life that just flat aren’t fair.  Maybe you’ve done nothing except deal with the consequences of someone else’s wrong decisions.  The examples are endless.  Divorced / unwed parents; absent fathers / mothers; dead fathers / mothers; drug-addicted or alcoholic family member; maybe your struggle is more intense…maybe you have been violated sexually and are trying to cope.  Those kids up there^ who are dealing with every-day choices when it comes to drugs and/or sex have it easy, don’t they?  They think it’s rough living in their shoes, what if they tried walking in yours for just one day?  

Your history and your life is horrible, and I am so very sorry you are dealing with the junk that goes with that.  Your Jordan is big and strong and deep, and you can’t possibly cross it alone.  Find help for your situation, please.  Find help.  And when you have found good solid adult help, focus on this:  Happiness is a choice, and it is one you must consciously and continuously make every day of your life.

Life will deal blows to you for the rest of your walk on this earth.  You will have some small Jordans and some big Jordans.  Life is never easy for anyone, and for some it’s harder than most.  This is where your choices have the biggest impact on the rest of your life. This is where you must decide to claim your life for yourself.  This is where you must create your own destiny.  Stop living the life someone else has mapped for you.  It’s history.  Start living the life you want NOW.  Cross that Jordan and find peace.

A very wise young woman, who I never had the opportunity to meet, once wrote “Live the life you love; love the life you live.”  She grew up with hard knocks most of you will never experience, and she made a conscious daily decision to be happy.  Her world didn’t move her, so SHE moved her WORLD.  She was right where she wanted to be, and her life was GOOD!  One tiny bad decision ended her life in the blink of an eye.  This is how fast it can happen.  One blink.  What will you choose?

Are you happy?  Could you be happier?  What single thing can you change to make yourself happier?  You have but one spin on this planet, and God has the ultimate plan for you. You will stand at the edge of many Jordans, but with each RIGHT decision, your blessings will grow, while each WRONG decision will take you to a bigger more difficult Jordan.

Cross your Jordans wisely.  Find a true friend in an adult who can aid you and mentor you.  Embrace the blessings God has for you on the other side of every big decision.  You will never regret choosing happiness.

Now finally, know this:  You are a treasure.  A worthy, golden, incredible, awesome creation.  It takes the good stuff and the bad stuff to make you who you are, and God did not create you without a purpose.  Find it.  Embrace it.  Feel it.  Know it.

You are loved.

The Joshua Tree

A few years ago our friend purchased a lot of little “stub” trees for his farm. He used what he could and asked us if we wanted the few he had remaining. We planted, watered, fed, and mulched them just like we were supposed to do, and a year later they had doubled in size. Two years later, all of them seemed to nearly double in size again, except for one. While the majority of them were green with large lush needles, one little tree was weak, spindly, and turning brown. Its trunk was bent from the weight of the few lowly little needles that desperately clung to its branches. “I ought to pull that tree,” Brian said, “It’s obviously not going to make it.” But, as with many momentary thoughts that we both have on any given day, he didn't get around to plucking it from its spot.

Lindsay, who I’m guessing was probably 14 at the time, noticed the weak tree a few days after Brian had, and she took pity on it. She faithfully tended it, day in and day out. I watched her through the kitchen window numerous times as she would kneel next to it, pull every weed away from its base, loosen the dirt around it, and slowly water it from a bucket. After she finished her tasks, she would sit quietly for a moment, just looking at it. The other trees did not get this special treatment, only that little runt.

This went on for the duration of the summer, and one day after completing her ritual, she came inside and told me she had named her tree “Joshua.” She also told me she was praying over that little tree, asking God to strengthen and preserve it. I realized this was what she did when she sat looking at it. She had a strong will for that tree to not only live, but to thrive, and she never failed to give attention to it. By fall, its needles were dark green, and its trunk was noticeably stronger. Brian and I were amazed, but Lindsay wasn't surprised. God was watching over her Joshua Tree.

This past weekend, Brian was outside enjoying the sunshine and took a short walk through the trees in our side yard. When he came inside he asked if I had looked at Lindsay’s tree recently. I walked to the kitchen window, and was immediately struck by the height of the Joshua Tree. I had "seen" it almost daily, but I guess I had not really "noticed" it. It was taller than those surrounding it, its branches stretched out farther than the rest, and its trunk was thicker and stronger than the others!


I have thought on that tree and its impact on my daughter's life a lot this week. You see, the day after Brian pointed out the difference in the Joshua Tree, she came to me with a heavy burden. She was struggling with things that were overwhelming to her.  I reminded her of the power of prayer, and encouraged her to pray over her situation. When that didn't seem to alleviate her doubts, I asked her if she had looked at her Joshua Tree lately. She gave me a puzzled look. As I reminded her of the story, she smiled and said “I had completely forgotten about that!” I explained to her that if God cared enough to answer her prayers over a little runt tree, she should know that He cares about her big problems too. Her eyes brightened as she turned to hug me, and she left the room a little lighter.

God speaks to us in so many ways, using every-day things that surround us to relay his messages. Are we taking time to look and listen? God cares for us to the depth that none of us can truly comprehend. Are we placing our burdens upon Him and asking Him for direction? The scripture says "...your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him." (Matthew 6:8 KJV) I have no doubt that the Lord knew of Lindsay's heartache before she ever came to talk to me, just as I have no doubt He had given Brian and me the gift of truly seeing that Joshua Tree specifically for that moment that we encountered the following day.

If the Lord wills it, the Joshua Tree will continue to grow in our side yard for many years to come, and I am certain that when Lindsay begins to doubt her faith, He can and will use that Joshua Tree to nurture her, comfort her, and build her up...in much the same way she helped it.

The Sheltering Tree

I sit at my window this morning, contemplating the day before me and all I have to do.  I’m a bit overwhelmed by the number of tasks on my list and all of the things pressing on my mind today.  I feel beaten down and tired.  Exhausted before the day has even begun.   

Quiet and alone I sit, silently speaking to God as I stare out my window.  I ask Him to teach me something; to give me strength to get up and move.  He answers.  He opens my eyes to the beauty of nature outside my window, and He asks me to turn my attention away from myself for just a moment.  He tells me to be still and just recognize the little things happening there before me. 

At once I notice the birds, flitting from tree to tree, and then, as if on cue, a bright red cardinal perches in my favorite tree.  The bird immediately lifts his head in song.  I watch him, transfixed by the upward tilt of his head, his neck stretched back as far as it will go, and his beak pulsing as he sings.  He seems to be straining with all of his might to sing loudly, as if willing the winds to carry his song of praise to the Creator above. 

I lean forward and crack my window open to listen, and as I do, I notice a pair of squirrels darting playfully up one side of the tree and back down the other.  I smile.  It occurs to me just how important this tree’s place is in nature.  Its limbs provide perches, its leaves shelter, its trunk a mix between playground and freeway… “But what is it you are trying to teach me, God?”

As I sit, transfixed by the birds and squirrels, God begins to speak to me through that tree.  He shows me, with the eye-opening awe that only silent moments can provide, a deeper meaning and purpose of this work of art in my front yard.  Roots planted firmly in solid ground.  Trunk strong and straight, willing and able to support the weight of heavy branches.  Branches, like arms, extended toward the heavens as if heralding the Mighty One who gives it life.  Some branches, at first glance, look bent and unsure.  On closer inspection, however, it is clear that they are reaching in any way possible toward the sun.  “Whatever it takes,” they seem to say to me.  “Whatever it takes to get a glimpse of His glorious light!” 

“Are you learning something?” God asks me.  I smile. 

This beautiful old tree, planted years ago by God himself, has been a source of comfort for me since we have lived here, but I’d never quite seen it in this light before.  God reminds me that my sheltering tree has been a gift for countless creatures.  It fulfills its duties without a single complaint.  It depends on God for its existence.  It receives minerals from the soil, and rain from the clouds.  It has been blown and bent by mighty winds, and pruned by strikes of lightening.  It supports children as they climb, and rocks them as they swing.  It provides refreshing shade in the summer, and glorious color in the fall.  It serves its purpose without faltering.  It is steadfast.  Unmovable.  Tested by the elements.  Protected by God. 

And as a testament to all it has seen and known, it stands…arms stretched high, in continual praise to its Master above.

We all need sheltering trees.

Drama, Drama, Drama

Lily has always been our drama queen. As far back as I can remember she has dramatized nearly every minor event in her life. There has always been a significant amount of acting surrounding any chore or task. Early on she would try to get out of them with a sudden tummy ache. Later she would instantly think of something of significant importance that had to be done RIGHT NOW, and with a quick turn on her heel, she would flit from the room with a “I’ll be right back” thrown over her shoulder. Lately she has moved on to the more manipulative (however impressive) line of questioning in some deep subject that she knows is of interest to either Brian or me. (I often wonder how many nights she lays awake thinking up the next question she will ask when she finds herself in these predicaments. Actresses must always be prepared to act, you know!)

Brian and I saw through Lily’s little charade very early on. We naturally have allowed her to gently push the boundaries before finally clamping down to say “okay, enough is enough…move it NOW!” This admonition is nearly always followed by Lily’s signature twinkle in those bright blue eyes, a twist of her mouth, a snap of her finger, and a mumbled “darn it!” because she knows her gig is up. I have tried numerous times to explain to her that the longer she puts off a task, the more difficult the task will be and the longer it will take when she finally attends to it. Like that old saying describes, “a stitch in time saves nine.” But still, the dishes go unwashed on the counter for a couple of hours after breakfast, so she might as well wait for the lunch dishes to be added. Then, on one of her really good acting days, the supper mess will be added to the pile, and before she knows it, her daily dishwashing task has grown completely out of control, and she begins to seek assistance.

At times Lily’s drama sessions can be exasperating, at times funny, but they are certainly NEVER without creativity…which brings me to ponder something in my own life. Just how creative am I at making excuses for myself and my actions? How many times has the Lord given me a directive, and I have asked “Do I HAVE to?” Or whined “Can’t I do it later? I’m so busy right now!” Once in a while He will come down harder and give me richer impressions that I just can’t deny or ignore. But mostly, He waits. He may nudge me again later…a little softer…a gentle reminder. But generally He lets me try it my way. Before I know it, that little molehill that would have been so easy to step over at first has now become a mountain, and I…well, I become desperate for His help. Oh, how He must tire of me and my human-ness! Yet He loves me still.

There is a praise song frequently played on Christian radio. The lyrics burn into my soul every time I hear it. It is performed by the David Crowder Band. I’ll close with a portion of the lyrics below, and if you haven’t heard it, I encourage you to look it up and listen.

HE LOVES US

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Oh, how He loves us oh,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart churns violently inside of my chest,
and I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way...

He loves us
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us!

Keeper of the Creatures

Lindsay has always been a lover of animals. My first realization of this was when she was a toddler. I remember one early morning as we sat on the front porch swing of our home on a quiet small-town street, a beautiful cat came wandering our way, jumped up to the porch, and sat. Swishing her beautiful long gray tail, she looked straight at Lindsay as if to say “good morning.” Swigging on her ever-present pacifier, Lindsay pointed at the cat, looked up at me with wide eyes, and cooed a soft “oooooooh!” then scrambled down to greet the newcomer. I don’t know how long she sat next to that cat, petting and cooing, but I do remember how upset she was when the cat decided it was time to go home! From that moment on, there have always been animals, animals, animals in and around our home. Cats, dogs, rabbits…she was never at a loss for animal friends. When we moved to the farm, Lindsay was thrilled to have a swampy area to slog around in. In addition to the dogs and horses, she maintained countless wet and dry aquariums full of hundreds of toads and spring peepers, thousands of tadpoles, and even a few salamanders, blue tail skinks, tree frogs, and baby turtles. She proudly designed and prominently displayed a wooden sign in the garage that designated her space as the “Treaty Line Wildlife Rescue.” She pored over books of uncommon pets, fed and exercised her toads daily, and filled notebooks with new milestones that each one met. She was obsessed with her little friends!

In the blink of an eye, that little animal lover grew up, put her empty aquariums in storage, and quit baling swamp water for tadpoles (although every now and then you can find her slogging in the swamp just to have a look around!). I began to miss those daily reports of how well Hopper-the-Toad was recovering from what seemed to be a sore leg muscle, or the number of tadpoles that were safely tucked away in our warm garage, their little delicate lives saved from that unexpected late spring freeze. Lindsay’s safe little world was frequently shaken by some small animal drama, but she was always there to pick up the pieces, fix what was broken, and turn them back out to their habitat to enjoy life.

I was reminded of all of this earlier this week when Lindsay came home from work. I could tell the moment she walked through the door that she was angry. Her jaw set with determination, she muttered a hello through clenched teeth, and my question of “How was your day?” was met with a huff and flaming eyes. “Do you remember Noble? You know, the horse at work that I fell in love with? The one Kim sold to another trainer a few weeks ago?” Yes, I remembered. Lindsay had told us many things about this wonderful horse that had quickly stolen her heart, and she was sad to see him leave the barn where she works. “Well, Kim visited that trainer today and saw that Noble was being mistreated, so she loaded him up and brought him back. Mom, you should SEE how ABUSED he is! He is skin and bones! His mouth is bloody! That horrible trainer nearly ruined him! I am SO MAD!” And there it was – the look of that little girl – protector of all things animal – her safe little world shaken again; this time by a tale a lot harder to swallow than a toad’s pulled leg muscle. I was heart broken too, grieved by the fact that my now-grown daughter had witnessed the all-too-common reality of a show-horse’s life. It’s a harsh and cruel thing in most cases.

A few days have passed since that initial blow for Lindsay, and time has tempered that first burst of anger that coursed through her veins, but I know, without asking or being told, that when Lindsay goes back to work today, Noble will get the treatment of a lifetime! He will be coddled and loved. His wounds will be soothed with gentle hands, his ears will be pricked by a cooing tongue, and his spirit will be calmed by a warm heart. I know this because that’s what God created Lindsay to be…a keeper of His animals…a defender of the defenseless. (And God help that trainer if he crosses paths with Lindsay anytime soon!)

“Be thou diligent to know the state of thy flocks, and look well to thy herds.” Proverbs 27: 23

Girls, Green Shoes and Giggles

For those of you who are acquainted with our family, you know that our middle daughter, Emma, was always the quiet one. When Emma was little, Lindsay did all of her talking. I remember one day in particular when Emma, probably nearing 3 years old, came into the kitchen and simply said "nyeh nyeh." I was both shocked and perplexed. Emma never spoke, and now that she had, I didn't have a clue what she wanted. "Nyeh nyeh" she repeated. What in world...?! I pointed to everything, tried to give her everything, but all she did was stare, stomp, and give me a louder "NYEH NYEH!" Six-year-old Lindsay came floating through the kitchen in her fairy costume and high heels and simply announced "She wants a drink mom." "Hmmm...you think...?" One more look at Emma...nothing but an icy stare. "Is that what you want, Emma, a drink?" She only stared. I filled her sippy cup and handed it over. She took it, smiled half heartedly, turned on her heel and went back to play in her own little peaceful world. I thought to myself "she must get that from Brian." After all, I was never at a loss for words!

When Emma turned ten, we began to notice a little 'coming out of her shell' but still when meeting someone new or encountering a new situation, you could literally watch her "sizing up" everything with that signature stare. No words, no expression, just a deep...dark...stare.

This weekend I was taken back to Emma's younger days when she was...well...quieter. Our family journeyed together to visit church friends near Columbus, Ohio, about a 2-1/2 hour drive one way. There was no lack of chit chat in the truck among the girls. Brian drove, glazed-over in his own little world of thought -- rarely acknowledging the comedy unfolding in the seat behind him while Emma's nonsense made the rest of us either roll our eyes and groan, or bellow with laughter. I claimed ownership of the radio and turned on a station Emma didn't particularly care for. After each and every song she would interrupt her current conversation with "can we change it now?...please?...mom?...are you listening?...seriously mom...hellooooooo...earth to mom...can we change it?...ooookaaaaay...guess not" then she would continue her story as if she'd never missed a beat.

And the storytelling itself? Now let me tell you, you have not lived until you hear Emma tell a story. Starting with her "Okay, yeah, sooo....." and ending with her signature "LOL, right?!" Emma's form of chit chat is kind of a morph between common English and Text verbage. She rarely gets through a sentence without communicating "JK!" At one point in the trip Emma was the only one laughing at her own story, so she followed it with "Wow guys, THAT was an LOL moment...and none of you are LOL'ing." I think it was at that point that Brian, with his quick wit responded "OMG." (See, I told you she was just like her dad!)

As we reached the edge of Columbus, Ohio, everyone in the vehicle was getting hungry and Lily, true to her nature, needed a bathroom (I might point out here that when Lily asked to stop for a bathroom break, Emma declared aloud "Lily's sphincter is full!"). Brian exited the interstate, pulled into a Wendy's parking lot, and announced that he would wait in the truck while we bought sandwiches. Leaving the other girls behind, I rushed Lil inside as quickly as I could. The scene before my eyes upon exiting that bathroom will forever be etched in my memory right next to the "nyeh nyeh" episode of Emma's younger years. Standing there, at the back of the line, was Emma. A huge smile plastered on her face, she was wearing a purple t-shirt, blue and pink shorts, orange, black, and white striped fuzzy halloween knee socks, and her new lime green converse tennis shoes. Whose child was THIS?! This was NOT the Emma that used to need her big sis to talk for her. This was NOT the Emma who used to stare through whoever was trying to speak to her. THIS Emma was a comical jokester! Smiling and laughing, she was wholeheartedly enjoying the stares she was getting from everyone in the restaurant. I rolled my eyes once again (I AM the mom after all...it's my job), but inside I was giggling...she is SO much like her dad! ;)

"Then was our mouth filled with laughter, and our tongue with singing: then said they among the heathen, The LORD hath done great things for them. The LORD hath done great things for us; whereof we are glad." Psalm 126:2-3

Where Does the Time Go?

For months I've been thinking I should update our blog. It seems only yesterday we were laughing at Shotgun's Predicament, but more than half a year has passed since then! Where did the time go?

So much has happened since my last posting, and I could kick myself for not having a journal record of it all. Emma celebrated her 14th birthday, a new foal was born, we went on our annual spring trail riding vacation, many new students started riding at Jordan's Crossing, Lily performed in her third dance recital, Lindsay graduated from high school...where did the time go?

We just completed the 2009 Wayne County 4-H Fair. We were there for 9 days and 8 nights, but it flew by with a "WHOOSH!" It seemed we were moving in one day...moving out the next.
It was Lindsay's 10th and final year as a 4-H member, and it was so difficult to wake up every day thinking "this is her last one." 10 years of memories flashed through my mind so many times this week, and I kept asking myself "where did the time go?"

It seems everything moves so much faster these days. We stay so busy. Days swirl around us and fade away before we even realize we've lived them. I find myself trying desperately to capture every moment of these special days and hold them -- just briefly -- in my memory. And still...I sit and wonder..."where did the time go?"

A Legacy of Love

The girls and I just returned from a wonderful two-day trip to Nashville, Indiana. We travelled with those we have come to affectionately call "The Bane Ladies."

My mom's family is very close-knit. My grandmother, with her unquestioning faith in the Lord and unconditional love for her 14 children, created an amazing circle of admiration -- a legacy of love. Growing up, this large famly was the center of my world. I was blessed to be raised alongside numerous aunts, uncles, and cousins who doubled as additional sets of parents and siblings, and as a child I thought we would all remain close throughout our adult lives. As tends to be the case, however, life-changes had a way of making alternative plans for us, and as the cousins married and began raising families of their own, our limited time together caused us to drift apart.

Thankfully, some years back, my mother's younger sisters decided to organize a retreat for the ladies of the family. They invited all females connected to the Bane family by blood or marriage to join them for a slumber party, and chose a wonderful bed and breakfast inn in Nashville, Indiana, as the meeting spot. Those of us who were longing for reconnection jumped at the chance! That first trip was nothing less than amazing - we shopped, talked, laughed, played games, acted silly, and swooned over delicious desserts. We enjoyed it so much we decided to go back again...and again...and AGAIN!

Our circle of "Bane Ladies" has changed since that first year. I'll never forget the last year Aunt Nancy went with us. She had lost her hair and her stamina, but not her spirit. We intentionally slowed our pace of walking from shop to shop, and we landed back at the inn early when it was apparent she was tiring. Munching on desserts, we listened to her giggle as we placed bets on what color her hair would be when it grew back.

Sadly, the next fall found our group a little smaller. The thought of going without her was difficult, and the stay was certainly bittersweet as we reminisced about our time on earth with her, and shared how hard it was without her. It was a time of healing for us all. The circle was smaller, yes, but it was tighter...and the hugs lingered a little longer in an effort to hold on to that fleeting moment of breathlessness.

The circle was extended this year as my three daughters joined us in Nashville for the first time. As a grown woman, I realize how richly I have been blessed with the wise counsel of these amazing ladies and the legacy of love that was built to support me - the legacy they recieved from their mother. It was incredibly touching to watch my daughters join the circle and to see the legacy begin its descent to the next generation.

I don't think it a coincidence that I found a small trinket at a shop in Nashville that spoke directly to my heart that first year without Aunt Nancy. It says "Life is not measured by the number of breaths you take, but by the moments that take your breath away." It still speaks expressly to me today. That the Lord has blessed me with such wonderful family - it takes my breath away. That my life's journey has been gifted with love, laughter and tears - it takes my breath away. That my daughters have now joined this circle - it takes my breath away.

Through this legacy of love I've been taught how to extend my circle to include others in need of breathless moments in their lives, and I'm thankful...so thankful!

Perfection and Preparedness

I'm ashamed to admit that my family is one of those that seems to NEVER be prepared for the unexpected and RARELY prepared for the expected. This weekend is one of those "expected and still not ready" kind of weekends! Our church will host her sister churches and numerous travelers at an annual three-day meeting beginning Friday morning. The meeting will find us fellowshipping, singing, praising (and of course eating!). My church sisters and I have been planning meals, grocery lists, and prepping the church kitchen for weeks in anticipation of this event that we are honored to host every three years. We truly look forward to this time of year, especially when it is our turn to host the event. I think we're ready -- the church, that is!

My home is a different story. If our beloved brethren were to arrive today, they would have to carefully tip-toe their way through stacks of homeschooling materials being sorted in the family room, rubbermaid containers of 4-H files and show supplies in the living room, and boxes of outgrown horse show clothes in the dining room. Sigh...even though I know every year that company is coming this particular weekend, I can never seem to be prepared ahead of time for them! (You'd think I'd learn.) My husband on the other hand (a former military man, bless his heart!), abides by the motto "proper planning prevents poor performance." It's fair to say he's been a bit agitated by the clutter we're been surrounded with. He doesn't handle clutter very well, but he hasn't complained...much.

I have faced the struggle of "perfectionism" vs "preparedness" many times in my life. The perfectionist in me starts cleaning closets, book shelves, cabinets, and cubby holes about a month in advance of any big event, which seems like a good idea at the time. Problem with that: I rarely get the chance to completely finish any task in perfection. So, in order to be "prepared" instead, I shove everything into the garage to hide it until I can try again later.

The above prelude brings me to consider the spirtual aspects of being "perfect" vs being "prepared." In Ephesians 6 we are instructed to prepare for our daily battles this way: "Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; and your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God..." This is a daily preparation, my friends. We may all struggle with a desire to be "perfect," but all we're really asked to be is "prepared." Since I can never reach "perfection" by hiding my junk in a closet (or a garage!), I better let go of the junk and give it to the Lord. Only HE can make it perfect!

Make it a blessed day!

When logging on this morning I was shocked to notice that I haven't posted anything new for over a month! Time flies around here these days.

The past few weeks has been a mixture events ranging between joy and sorrow - we're honored to be included in the celebrations of nine graduating seniors (congrats to all!). We've also attended four funeral services for church brethren and loved ones.

This combination of celebrations in life and in death brings me to ponder how I have grown in the past 20-odd years and what I'm doing with the life the Lord has blessed me with. I remember graduating from high school as if it were yesterday. I was ecstatic to be done with school and, believing I was invincible, looked forward to starting a new job, making money, and spending the money I made. That was as far as my dreams of the future could take me that summer. I seriously doubt that my thoughts were any different than most of the students in my graduating class that year since the "here and now" is what's most important at that stage in life. But years down the road, life experiences and responsibilities force us to look beyond the "here and now" to the future...there's the obvious things like "how will I possibly manage the shcedule next week?!" And of course there are the more difficult things like financial planning for our childrens' college education and our retirement. But in the whirl of fulfilling our schedule and preparing for future milestones, I don't think I ever take enough time to take care of today, enjoying the blessings in it. Ironically, the "here and now" is really what's most important, for it is in today that I can secure a legacy for my children and future generations. Deuteronomy 6:5-7 says "And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart; And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." This instruction is for today. Fuilfilling this commandment each day is, ultimately, the security of the future. And so, it is my prayer that I will take time to enjoy today, because I don't know when my todays will end, and at the end of my life I don't want to be filled with sorrow thinking I spent too much time pondering the past and/or preparing for the future.

Make it a BLESSED day TODAY!

Hibernating or Rejoicing...?

Today is a gloomy winter day. It's the kind of day that makes it difficult to remember what it feels like to have the sun on your face, or what it looks like when everything isn't the depressing monochrome gray which has permeated our lives for months. It's the kind of day that calls for a mug of hot java, another log on the fire, and warm fuzzy slippers....the kind of day for hibernation. The horses feel no different. They weren't anxious to go outside today. They were as content to stay in their warm cozy stalls as I would have been to stay in my warm cozy bed.

Sunday, in comparison, was a wonderful Hint-Of-Spring day! It was the kind of day that made us joyful at the prospect of entering into our house of worship....that made us jump from our beds and bask in the glow of sunbeams illuminating the room....that made us anxious to look in the "summer clothes" pile for our wardrobe choices....the kind of day for rejoicing! The horses were rejoicing too! They would not be denied their desire to bask in the sunshine, and much to our dismay, they immediately rolled in their choicest of joys....mud! The pasture was electric with their excitement!

In my devotional time this morning, I reflected on my attitude today in comparison with my attitude on Sunday. Weather undoubtedly influences emotion, but attitude is ultimately a choice. I continued to think on this as I considered the activities we will take part in this week.

The calendar is FULL. The riding facility hosted a mock horse show for the Wayne County Equine Judging Team last night, will be hosting drill team practice for Wayne County Color Guard tonight, and a horse health clinic with Dr. Lance Alexander for the Rough Riders 4H Club tomorrow. Lily's three dance classes will offer parents a "watch night" Thursday evening, and 30 minutes later Brian and I will attend an all-important leadership meeting for our Horse & Pony Association. In conjunction with each of these events are the regularly-scheduled lessons for Jordan's Crossing students. Needless to say, hibernation cannot win out! There is simply too much to prepare for and do.

It is exhausting if we dwell only on the work portion of this "preparing and doing," but if we look a little deeper we realize that it is through the work that we are both blessed and a blessing to others. Our sacrifices (and I honestly shudder to use that word because I don't feel as if I'm really sacrificing anything) bring joy to others...and in turn, we are blessed to share in their joy. It's a cycle that we can choose to continue or break. It's all about attitude.

What attitude will you choose today? Gray and hibernation (serving self)? Or sunshine and rejoicing (serving the Lord)? "...choose you this day whom ye will serve...as for me and my house, we will serve THE LORD." Joshua 24:15